I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
