oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
Randomize
