well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
