I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
It's blow job season.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
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