Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
Mom said you looked used
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
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