how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
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