atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Randomize
