How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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