if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
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