RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
