Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
ok please explain why some one shaved half of my pubes?
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize