I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Randomize
