I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
