Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Randomize
