Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
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