i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Randomize
