yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
Randomize
