Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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