Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
Randomize
