Tell her she can't have a vagina
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
I just blew my weed a kiss
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
