trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
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