Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Randomize
