hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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