why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
Randomize
