haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
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