She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
