I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
