My liver just broke up with me...
all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Randomize
