I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
Randomize
