I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Randomize
