people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
