so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Randomize
