is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Houston, we have a blender
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
Randomize
