Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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