You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Randomize
