I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
