They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
