It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize
