I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
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