I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
I don't deserve a penis
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
Randomize
