We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Randomize