Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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