Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
