i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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