Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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