so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
He shit in the fireplace
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