you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
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