i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
Randomize
