She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
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