I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Randomize
