When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
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