I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Randomize
