I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
Randomize
