Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Randomize
