don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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